I don't think I have mentioned in any of my recent blogs that I'm approaching the half a century mark. The closer I get to the day. The more vulnerable I feel. For the record, I'm a VIRGO. So, YES I'm over analytical, an absolute perfectionist within black and white extremes that has an definite need and love for spontaneity and play. Needless to say, it has been impossible to approach this day and not consider the gravity of my present moment, my future or my past.
I have lived the majority of my life with some type of rules, boundaries, limitations imposed by me or others and fear. On one side of the coin, having said confines served as a catalyst for me to be a REBEL of sorts fighting for my freedom, voice and peace of mind. It also made me extremely focused and disciplined enough to see what I did to the end giving my best. It has been easier to stand up against and walk / run over external dividing lines of a "3rd party" versus myself. For the guard within that has set the precedence of limitations has often been misidentified as my protection and/or looking out for my highest good. It is the companion of my Ego / Pride. I haven't always maintained a healthy or mindful relationship with it concerning it's translation of reality and it's direct impact on what I am manifesting here in real life in real time.
Here's the TRUTH, I've been scared 75% of this journey of good, bad and indifferent decisions. Some of those decisions left me crying, immobile and to scared to find another way. Other times, I've been numb, avoiding or out right clueless of what was next and what was required of me to manage life's happenings. There was no one to call because I had not learned about or how to apply the tool of vulnerability. If I wasn't practicing vulnerability, I also wasn't in the practice of communicating what I needed or desired.
This is where COURAGE comes into play along with the multitudes of Black Women before me who was met with this same life challenge of FEAR or LOVE. This life challenge is a consecutive string of choices to questions that enter my way of living at the speed of light or the steadiness of a leaking faucet. No matter what I have to decide. What am I going to believe? What am I going to practice? How am I going to invest my time? How am I going to assign my energy if I should decide to fear or LOVE?
To practice vulnerabil
ity is to utilize COURAGE while assuring yourself of your worthiness, your wholeness and always deserving of whatever you may imagine is located in some far distance not tangible. Dr. Clarrisa Pinakola Estes author of Women Who Run With Wolves states “I hope you will go out and let stories, that is life, happen to you, and that you will work with these stories... water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.” So, in these last days I catch myself daydreaming looking out onto my uncut grass. (Sidebar: Here's a shared dream between me and my yard guy) I take my shoes off to ground in the discomfort but move gently into the Sun. I wanna know myself in ways that no lesson has gone unlearned and every scar emotional or physical shows proof I have healed with shea butter and gold gitter on my skin.
With that I accept my Living that requires ongoing courage and comes with just as many deaths. However, I leave you with this quote from Dr. Estes while I emerge once again from this most transformative fire I call my greatest and most worthwhile love relationship - my relationship with Self. “Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship.”